Bite Me!

"Eclipse" opened last night and the vampire craze continues. Can't stay quiet about this anymore. You know, I've watched "Twilight" and "New Moon" and in fact got into tv series "Vampire Diaries" for a bit - but REALLY more to have a pulse of what youth - especially girls are into these days - since God continues to give me opportunities to speak to youth and women.

My initial wonderings are - since it's not just young girls that are into this vampire thing - but also women, educated women who are drawn to an "Edward Cullen" type - not to mention the new series "The Gates" with the dude from the movie "The Prince and Me" playing a vampire now set in suburbia... Are women secretly revolting and resisting the radical feminist movement (which is okay in my opinion if we are) - and really truly saying that they want - we want- men to be more in charge, to protect us (devour other people who might hurt us) yet still find a way for us to feel safe and secure. Is there more to this vampire craze then meets the eye?

Are we as women finally tired of trying to control everything? and maybe actually want to be with someone who is fearless and strong, yet caring and kind? (yeah, i know still talking about vampires here). I can't help but see the chemistry between Bella and Edward - he really would do anything for her and knows how to 'protect' her from even his worst self. (that's a lesson for all of us in some ways). Yet, a part of me still says - it's sick this vampire thing (not sick in a cool way either)... they are still dark and dangerous and often appeal to our 'lower nature'.

At the end of the day no matter how we as women may try to romanticize them - they are still blood sucking, human-killing (except of course those who have somehow weaned themselves off of human blood??) vampires.

Hmmm... more thoughts to follow in a future blog to be sure.

Cultivating Contentment

A Sermon on Contentment

Delivered on Sabbath Evening, March 25th, 1860, by the
REV. C. H. Spurgeon
At New Park Street Chapel, Southwark.

"For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."—Philippians 4:11.

THE APOSTLE Paul was a very learned man, but not the least among his manifold acquisitions in science was this—he had learned to be content. Such learning is far better than much that is acquired in the schools. Their learning may look studiously back on the past, but too often those who cull the relics of antiquity with enthusiasm, are thoughtless about the present, and neglect the practical duties of daily life. Their learning may open up dead languages to those who will never derive any living benefit from them. Far better the learning of the apostle. It was a thing of ever-present utility, and alike serviceable for all generations, one of the rarest, but one of the most desirable accomplishments. I put the senior wrangler, and the most learned of our Cambridge men in the lowest form, compared with this learned apostle; for this surely is the highest degree in humanities to which a man can possibly attain, to have learned in whatsoever state he is, to be content. You will see at once from reading the text, upon the very surface, that contentment in all states is not a natural propensity of man. Ill weeds grow apace; covetousness, discontent, and murmuring, are as natural to man as thorns are to the soil. You have no need to sow thistles and brambles; they come up naturally enough, because they are indigenous to earth, upon which rests the curse; so you have no need to teach men to complain, they complain fast enough without any education. But the precious things of the earth must be cultivated. If we would have wheat, we must plough and sow; if we want flowers, there must be the garden, and all the gardener's care.

Now, contentment is one of the flowers of heaven, and if we would have it, it must be cultivated. It will not grow in us by nature; it is the new nature alone that can produce it, and even then we must be specially careful and watchful that we maintain and cultivate the grace which God has sown in it. Paul says, "I have learned to be content;" as much as to say he did not know how at one time. It cost him some pains to attain to the mystery of that great truth. No doubt he sometimes thought he had learned, and then broke down. Frequently too, like boys at school, he had his knuckles rapped; frequently he found that it was not easy learning this task, and when at last he had attained unto it, and could say, "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content," he was an old grey-headed man upon the borders of the grave, a poor prisoner shut up in Nero's dungeon at Rome.

We, my brethren, might well be willing to endure Paul's infirmities, and share the cold dungeon with him, if we too might by any means attain unto such a degree of contentment. Do not indulge, any of you, the silly notion that you can be contented without learning, or learn without discipline. It is not a power that may be exercised naturally, but a science to be acquired gradually. The very words of the next text might suggest this, even if we did not know it from experience. We need not be taught to murmur, but we must be taught to acquiesce in the will and good pleasure of the Lord our God.

First Love

I John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us."

The Greatness of Your Love

The greatness of Your love brings me to my knees

How often I have failed to see, how much You love me

You love me, so You rescued me

You love me, so You died for me

You love me, so You made me yours

You love me, so You gave me life

The majesty of Your grace makes my heart sing

How often I have failed to see You Alone are worthy

You love me, so You rescued me

You love me, so You died for me

You love me, so You made me yours

You love me, so You gave me life

So here I am

I bow in worship

I bow in adoration

I bow in surrender to You

I surrender all

Open my heart to You

I surrender all

Open my eyes so I can see

How much You love me

You love me, so You rescued me

You love me, so You died for me

You love me, so You made me yours

You love me, so You give me life

So here I am

I bow in worship

I bow in Your presence

I bow in reverence to You

The greatness of Your love brings me to my knees

The majesty of Your grace makes my heart sing

(A song from my heart that I wrote to Jesus, Summer 2008)

again my heart sings that song to You today...

Dance with Me

He reaches for my hand and asks, "Can I have this dance?"

I look down at my dress, all tattered and torn.

I wonder if he's really asking me or someone else?

He doesn't move away, but reaches once again for my hand and asks, "Can I have this dance?"

He must not see me, I think to myself. It's dark in here after all. If he really saw me he would reconsider his offer and ask another. But he comes even closer and looks lovingly into my eyes. I've never seen such tenderness and compassion.

I feel so unworthy of his offer, so dark and ugly, not much to behold.

I look down at my tattered and torn dress and tears begin to flow.

He sees my sadness and walks away, and then I knew I was right - there was no way that he would want to dance with me.

Yet, as I start to walk away feeling once again the sting of rejection burn within me, I see him return with a beautiful white gown in his hands, new and unworn.

He calls out my name and says, "Don't leave, I have something for you."

I look with surprise wondering if this is real - could this be true? He places the gown in my hands and says to me, "This is for you." I scarcely believe what is happening, but I run into a room to quickly change my old dress for the new.

I walk out with a bit more confidence and see him smiling at me. He says, "I saw you before in your old dress and I see you now. You are lovely, even though you may feel dark inside. I love all of you, every part of you and want to make you new. I see deeper than you do and want you to know that I have taken your shame upon Me, and I can make the darkness of your heart light through My love and My blood. I have given My life so that you can know the price I have paid for you. You are not ugly to me, you are not too tattered and torn for me, you are not too broken for me."

"You are lovely and I want you to dance with Me."

Song of Solomon 1:5

"I am dark, but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, like the tents of Kedar, like the curtains of Solomon."

Between Your Shoulders

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in HIm, for He shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between His shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

What a wonderful picture- what a wonderful reality. We can find rest, our true rest between Your shoulders. You are not far off that we cannot experience You. You are not a God who is controlling the universe from far away, no! You are right here. You draw close as we draw close to You.

Your love for us is too great for my human mind to conceive, so I ask you Father that by Your Spirit You would continue to make Yourself more and more real. Your words in scripture are living and active, because You are living and active. I want to be able to grasp as Paul said, how wide, how deep, how high and how wide Your love is. Increase my capacity to see You, to receive Your love, and to pour Your love out on to others. It is in You that I move, live, and have my being.

You continue to call us deeper in You and closer to You. May I have ears like Samuel to hear you and the heart of Mary to sit at Your feet.

May our souls find rest in You, in You alone. How lovely You are! How beautifully and sweetly You love us! I'm leaning into you, depending upon You, drinking in Your love as I rest between Your shoulders.

In Your Eyes

For those of us who may remember the 80's ;)... there was a song by Peter Gabriel that was titled 'In Your Eyes'. The song was also in a scene of the movie 'Say Anything' with John Kussak. The song is sung to a girl in the movie but it's one of those that could be a song about the I-Thou relationship - the relationship we have with God. He sings... In your eyes, I am complete and that he sees light and heat in 'your' eyes.

I think of the verse in Revelation that says of Jesus that there is fire in His eyes. Revelation 19:12, "His eyes are a flame of fire!" Jesus is the light of the world and it is through His light that our darkness is overcome.

Here are some thoughts from David G. Benner, from his book entitled, "The Gift of Being Yourself - The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery":

"I am convinced that God loves each and every one of us with depth, persistence and intensity beyond imagination. God doesn't simply like us. Nor does God simply have warm sentimental feelings towards us just because we were created in the Divine image.

The truth is that God loves us with what Hannah Hurnard calls "a passionate absorbed interest". God cannot help seeing us through eyes of love."

"Even more remarkable, God's love for us has nothing to do with our behavior. Neither our faithfulness nor our unfaithfulness alters Divine love in the slightest degree. Like the father's love in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15), Divine love is absolutely unconditional, unlimited, and unimaginably extravagant."

Oh, how He loves us! May we be filled with the knowledge of His love to the core and depths of our being.

Seeing ourselves through His eyes of love...

Intimacy Part 2 - "Into me You see"

Jesus says, "Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

This song and prayer (see below) I wrote several years ago, during a time that I needed deeper healing and freedom from past pain and struggles. Jesus was and continues to call me into deeper intimacy with Him. I am finding that yes, there are some good encouraging words that people can give to help to a point; but it is God alone who can go to those deepest places and bring healing and restoration. Jesus is the One who binds up the broken-hearted. Through His Word, His Holy Presence, and prayer - I found my heart being transformed and my soul set free from lies and from oppression. I also have to actively obey His Word and let His truth transform me. I experienced and do experience His comfort where there used to be deep inner pain and suffering. I carried a burden that wasn't ever meant for me to carry and as I surrendered a little at a time - I would experience love and peace where there used to be fear and turmoil.

Jesus continues to invite us, each of us, to come to Him - He will give us rest. I was stuck in a prison of fear - and only Jesus could deliver me out of that place - so I could live again, really live... God is Jehovah- Rophe our Healer and He wants to heal us and give us wholeness.

Feeling the calling to be a 'doctor of souls' - I know that I want to bring people closer to Christ, to His presence, His amazing love, the truth in His word and to experience His healing - intimately. I also know that I need to be a willing vessel for God to work in and work through, I can't take people where I haven't gone with Him.

As Isaiah prophesied of Jesus in Isaiah 61:4, "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to prisoners." (NASB)

Jesus You See My Heart (song and prayer)

Jesus, You see my heart. Make it Your dwelling place.

For I long and I cry out to You, I cry out to You.

Come Jesus heal.

Come Jesus cleanse.

Come Jesus fill.

Every part of me, make it Yours.

Make my heart Your home.

Make my heart Your home.

Cleanse and wash my fears all away.

In You my heart will stay.

In You my heart will stay.

For I long and I cry out to You, I cry out to You.

Come Jesus heal.

Come Jesus cleanse.

Come Jesus fill.

Make my heart Your home.

Make my heart Your home.

Who Decides What's Beautiful?

For today's blog I thought I'd include a piece I wrote for "The Scrawl", a graduate student publication from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. It's about beauty and the contrast between what our culture emphasizes and what Christ defines as beautiful. (see below). I was at Marshall's yesterday looking for some running gear and I saw the movie 'Stepford Wives' (first version) on sale (didn't buy it, but thought about it)... it reminded me of the modern version of the film and the pressure for women today to be 'perfect', to look a certain way, and all the increase in sales in plastic surgery. It's the never-ending search for that 'perfect' face, body, hair - whatever... it's so empty and sad really. For me personally, I want to be a good steward of what God has given me - take care of myself - i love to play tennis, golf, volleyball, kayaking and other sports - and yes, it's a good discipline for me to run in the morning too. I want to stay healthy and have the energy to do what God calls me to do. And yes, for those of you who know me know that I like style and fashion too (it's all about the 'look for less $'). I do know what it's like to strive to look a certain way and often times spending so much time creating a mask to hide what's underneath - the pain, the loneliness, and even shame, I've been there. But make-up (as wonderful as MAC is), Botox treatments, and all of that can't do the trick - those are just surface applications. God wants to go deeper so that the healing He brings to our soul will illuminate through our faces.

I still model and act in Chicago but being grad school - my schedule doesn't allow too much time for that right now - but as I write this I remember the women I'd meet and even the men - the competition and how each person would check each other out - not in a 'oh, i think you're pretty or handsome kind of thing' but rather - 'how do I measure up to her?' or for the guys 'how do I measure up to him?' We as humans, in our fallen state and brokenness, do so look at the outward appearance but God still and always will look at the heart... How is my heart today? How is yours?

We can spend time in His beautiful and holy presence, adoring and worshipping Him - and we come out transformed... a little more looking like Him because we have been gazing at Him. Moses experienced the incredible presence and glory of God and had cover His face because his countenance was blinding others... but we don't need to hide our face. The world around us needs to see, the beauty of God in us and we can shine His glory with unveiled faces.

"Father, go deeper in me today, there are still stones that need to be unturned, there are still parts in my heart that need your transforming truth and redeeming love, I want to be transformed more and more from glory and glory. I want to drink from Your living water today Jesus, no one else and nothing else can satisfy the deepest longings in my soul. I love you."

Who Decides What’s Beautiful? written by Michelle Lenz

She runs frantically chasing the latest trend and beauty craze the world offers hoping to fill the emptiness inside, hoping to cover the pain and emptiness of life.

She works, she strives as she thinks… one more botox treatment, one more diet, and one more shopping spree then I will feel wanted and I will be loved…I will find true beauty.

In all of her striving for temporal and worldly things, she neglects her heart and forgets that You love her perfectly, You give her life meaning.

She is too busy seeking for his gaze, his look, his eyes to glance her way and to affirm her worth and beauty each day. She longs for him to notice her and to take the time to be with her. While all this time You call to her,

“Come closer, don’t’ be afraid My child, Come closer put your hand in Mine.”

Yet in her restlessness and search for significance and beauty she says, “No!” and runs out the door giving her time, her money, and her hopes for identity to Mac and Bobbi Brown.

With Your unrelenting love, You call to her and say, “I love you with a love that never ends, and I’m calling you to come closer once again.” You call to her again and say, “Come to Me and I will give you rest. In Me you will find Your true identity.”

Finally she surrenders and gives You her heart and to her surprise she finds true beauty as You touch and heal her broken parts. As You take her deeper in Your love she finds in her heart treasures from above. She begins to see that You make beauty from the ashes of her life. You give her rest so she doesn’t have to strive.

Your eye and gaze is always on her and You are always with her. You bring glory from her brokenness and give her life in place of death. You satisfy her thirsty soul and You call her Your own.

Jesus, You decide what’s beautiful.

Thoughts about Waiting on God

In America, the idea of waiting, (well - if we were honest), can be a 'painful' process if we even wait for the process to finish. We seem to always be in a rush and I notice this especially after coming home from missions trips to the Philippines or Africa... even in my visits to Europe people seem to have a better handle on balancing life and work - and seem to have learned how to enjoy as they wait (the trains in Europe are so amazing that waiting really isn't necessary - i'll chalk that up to good German punctuality and engineering).... ;)

We are surrounded by this "gotta have it now" culture, the "microwave society" (okay confess - how many of us have waited in front of the microwave waiting for something and hoping it would hurry up and finish? - or what about in a drive-thru window getting restless because it's just taking to long and thinking that don't they know I have somewhere to go? - not to mention driving in Chicago traffic or on the expressways) nuff said..

So how do we wait on God? How do we wait well? What does it mean to wait? Waiting usually means to sit idly, to be inactive, passive, bored, killing time until the next thing or whatever we are waiting for happens but waiting on God in Hebrew has a completely different meaning..

The Hebrew word for wait is "quvah" and it has the meaning of "to bind together, as by twisting strands together in a rope." One Hebrew scholar, Gesenius, defines waiting as "to be robust; to fix one's hope on Jehovah and expect His aid."

Waiting on God involves living, actively serving, looking where God is working and joining Him there, surrendering to Him in faith, in trust, fixing our eyes on Him and allowing ourselves to be weaved together with him. It is definitely not a passive process on our part and we can wait like David wrote in Psalms 130:5 - "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits for the Lord and in His Word do I hope." Elisabeth Elliot said it well in her book, Passion and Purity writing about her time of waiting for marrying Jim - she wrote 'Let not the longing cease you from living." ahhh, Elisabeth how true and how difficult sometimes.

God is a God who is not slow in keeping His promises, He is faithful and can be trusted completely and gives us the grace when we lack faith to continue to trust in Him. (I am reminding myself of this truth as I write it here). To have His perspective while we wait is crucial - we often fall prey to looking for immediate self-gratification and instead of asking how can I wait well so that there would be more of God-gratification in this? He sees the beginning from the end and takes us to our expected end, you know being Alpha and Omega and all that He is.

It's hard to wait that's for sure especially when it seems like 'nothing is happening' but could it be that nothing is happening according to us, to our own perspective apart from His? How can we let God teach us how to enjoy the delays, to live robustly, fully in Him, and to learn to continually put our hope in Him. He will come through with the promises He has given you and me, a prophetic word, a truth in Scripture, or something He has revealed to you by His Spirit. May we all learn again today how to wait well; how to see Him in the now and let Him continue to bind us together with Him so that when He does give us what He has promised, or do what we are waiting for Him to do - of course, all according to His goodness and His will, we can be assured that we have been walking with Him while we have been waiting. He is with us.

Throughout my journey, I have learned that waiting on God for 'something' has given me the blessing of learning how to wait with Him, how to be with Him, and how to grow in deeper intimacy as I wait... so then what i was so anxiously striving to make happen or grasp for has shifted into me walking with Him, grasping for His hand, enjoying His presence, and keeping my heart open to what He brings and how He wants to fulfill His promises.

Psalm 27:13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" (NASB)

Psalm 62:5 "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, because my hope is in Him." (NLT)

Isaiah 30:18 "Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are those who long (who wait) for Him." (NASB)

Intimacy Part 1 - "Into me You see"

You see life, where I see death,

You see growth, where I see pain,

You see me as I am and love me just the same.

You bring me up out of the snares and carry me through the storms;

I cannot say I always receive Your love, but I want to more and more.

You see the buried pain and go deeper to give me hope where mine has waned.

Oh, how You love me! Oh, how You love me!

You bring newness and You bring life to the places in my heart I've closed off and hid away.

Your unrelenting love goes deeper than I know searching for the treasure You have placed within me and causing that to show.

So I open up my heart again... Jesus let Your light shine in. Burn away the dross and heal the broken parts of me as You continue to free me to be what You see.