Here's the story: After the bartender/owner/chef seated us (knowing his name would make writing this post so much easier) I asked him quietly so Beth wouldn't hear if they do anything special for people's birthday. He said I got you covered and I said thanks. Beth and I enjoyed our meals and drinks - eclectic mediterranean cuisine. We threw down some spicy (not really spicy though) calamari, chocotini's, and shis kabob with dill rice. It was yummy! Then I asked the waiter for the dessert menu and as he was walking back to get it, I remember I had asked the bartender/owner/chef about the birthday treat but didn't know if he told the waiter, if the B/O/C remembered or what? So I decided to walk to the back of the bar where the waiter was and ask him if they did anything for birthday's - he quickly pointed to the B/O/C and said that he'll take care of you. Then the B/O/C approached me and said, "Didn't I say I got you covered?" (he wasn't mean at all just restating what he said earlier). Then he said this - and this is what hit me.... "You don't trust me." I said, taken a bit aback, "Of course I trust you." He replied, "No you don't, otherwise you wouldn't have asked me again." I said, "Hmmm - well I wasn't sure if you were busy, if you remembered or what." Then he said, "I'm working on it and will bring it out to you soon."
So... then I thought - Wow! How often do I do the same thing with God? How often have I asked Him for something and then asked Him again and again- like it was just in case He didn't hear me the first time? Even after He said "I'm working on it - or I've got you covered." How often have I and do I still lack faith and trust in Him as a loving Father who provides - knows way more what I need than I do? And wants to give me more than I can imagine or think? Forgetting that He loves me extravagantly. How often have I wondered - is He too busy? Does He remember what I asked for? Will He bring it? Did He forget? That, at the end of the day, if I did really trust Him with all of my heart - I would really relax and not wonder, strive, worry if He heard me, if He is too busy, or if He's working on my request. I can see as I write this how my view of God as my heavenly Father still in some areas is distorted. I know in my head that He is good, loving, and will provide... but sometimes my heart has a hard time FULLY receiving and living from that place.
So, Father I ask that you would increase my capacity - my heart capacity - to trust You more completely with EVERYTHING and that I would live more free in You and in everyday life knowing that You are trustworthy. You care for me and are caring for the things that concern me. Forgive my unbelief, doubting, and distortions. Help me know You (experientially), see You, and believe that You are truly good and that you care for me more than You care for the birds of the air and the lilies of the field.
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